THE TRUTH ABOUT INVESTMENT
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STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75
until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned
his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major
financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word
spell Broke.

BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be
when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your
secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your
mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN
: Where you scribble the latest quotes when
you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory,
a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since
this also only ever works in theory, a short position is
what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The
rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION:
The only reliable way to make money
on the stock market, which is why your broker charges
you one.

YAK:
What you do into a pail when you discover your
stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin
call.