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Thread: 2012 Olympics

  1. #1
    AH.FM Addict Vicky Wood's Avatar
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    2012 Olympics

    2012 Olympics (to be held in London)
    OPENING CEREMONY
    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of the area, in the traditional dress of hooded suit and trainers. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated in the parking lot by the side of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS
    In previous Olympic games, London competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress this imbalance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METERS SPRINT
    Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one under each arm. On the sound of a starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 25 yards behind the athletes.

    110 METERS HURDLES
    As above, but with added obstacles (i.e. car hoods, hedges, garden fences and 6 ft walls etc).

    HAMMER
    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, lump, sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage, within three attempts.

    FENCING
    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 15 minutes.

    SHOOTING
    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or security style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifles have been replaced in this event; the competitors have a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS
    Competitors will be asked to break into the London University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All competitors will be timed against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT
    As above, but the bike will be actually owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

    SWIMMING EVENTS
    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. When one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

    THE MARATHON
    A safe route has yet to be decided.

    MEN'S 50KM WALK
    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing in those cute little shorts!

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Anti-Drug Center, synchronized rock throwing, and music will be supplied by a community choir and brass band. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannons. Followed by the inevitable pitch invasion of the Football Club's Organized Hooligans. The stadium itself will then be immediately boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the lead, copper piping and the central heating boiler.

    LATEST NEWS!
    Drug testing has been completely waived this year.
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  2. #2
    AH.FM Addict c00l.d00d's Avatar
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    Haha...you say that about London because you haven´t been in São Paulo...
    "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link"

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